Thursday 7 September 2017

786 EastEnders


First  viewed  :  25  December  1986

When  this  started  in  February  1985,  I  instantly  took  against  the  idea  of  the  BBC  having  a  twice  weekly  soap. The  idea  of  a  public  service  broadcaster  spending  the  licence  fee  on  a  product  already  well   supplied  by  the  commercial  channels  seemed   like  a  capitulation  to  Thatcherite  philistinism. I  also  suspected  that  it  in  part  stemmed  from  Southerners'  resentment  that  the  nation's favourite  soap  was  firmly  embedded  in  the  industrial  north. I  made  a  deliberate  point  of  not  watching  it  and  hoped  it  would  soon  fall  flat  on  its  face.

Initially  it  looked  like  my  hopes  would  be  realised. Only  one  person, a  Londoner  of  course,  in  my  hall  of  residence  seemed  interested  in  it. However  when  I  came  back  to university  in  the  autumn,  I  realised  everything  had  changed . The   father  of   young  Michelle's  baby  had  become  a  hot  topic  among  my  peers  and  the  soap's  stars  were  now  all  over  the  tabloids. The  following  year  they  all  started  crashing  the  charts  with  terrible  records, none  more  so  than  Nick  Berry's  Every  Loser  Wins, the  worst  number  one  of  all  time.

The  first  time  I  caught  a  snatch  was  the  tail  end  of  the  Christmas  Day  episode  in  1986  because  I'd  come  down  for  Only  Fools  and  Horses. It  was  the  one  where  "Dirty"  Den  Watts  ( Leslie  Grantham )   tells  his  wife  Ange  he's  divorcing  her. Grantham  is  a  particular  bugbear  for  me. One, he's  a  bloody  awful  actor  with  only  two  expressions- sneering  psychopath  or  bug-eyed  maniac. Two  he's  a  fully  fledged  murderer  that  I  don't  particularly  want  to  support  through  the  licence  fee. I  just  don't  get  how  the  people  that  holler  for  racists  and  sex  offenders  to  be  banished  from  our  screens  are  content  that  he  still  has  an  acting  career.

The  more  attention  the  show  got,  the  more  resolved  I  became  never  to  watch  a  full  episode  of  it. This  became  more  difficult  when  my  sister  returned  home  in  1987 and  infected  Mum  with  the  virus. The  peril  increased  after  I  got  married  and  found  my  wife  was  a  fan. I  can  proudly  say  I  still   haven't  watched  an  episode  from  start  to  finish  but  I  have  come  dangerously  close. One  Sunday  afternoon,  I  came  home  drenched  and  exhausted  from  an  arduous  walk  and  sat   on  the  sofa   through  most  of  an  omnibus  edition  where  John  Junkin  played  a  former  boys  home  warden  who'd  mistreated  Billy  Mitchell. I  also  saw  a  fair  chunk  of  the  one  where  Martin  Kemp's  character   made  his  fiery  exit.  Fortunately,  my  wife  threw  it  off  some  time  in  the  mid-noughties  and  the  danger  has  passed. 

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