756 Under Fire

First  viewed : July  1986

 This was  a  political  interview  programme  broadcast  in  the  Granada  region  and presented  by  Tony Wilson ( of  course )  in  which  he  interrogated  a  prominent  politician  ( not  necessarily  from  the  north  west  )  aided  by  one  of  their  political  opponents.

I'm  more  sure  of  the  dating  because  when Roy  Hattersley  appeared  on  the  programme,  his  co-inquisitor  was  Cyril  Smith  who  was  teasing  about  whether  he  would  stand  again  in  Rochdale, a  position  he  qualified  at  the  Liberal  Assembly  that  September.

The  other  two  episodes  I  remember  had  the  Liberal  MP  David  Alton  and  SDP  leader  David  Owen  in  the  chair . The  latter  had  Jack  Straw as  his  co-inquisitor   who  completely  lost  it  at  the  end. Straw  claimed  to  have  worked  for   Owen  in  the  past  although,  looking  at  his  c.v ,.I'm  not  sure  when  that  would  have  been  because  he  was  a  researcher  for  World  in  Action  when  Owen  was  Foreign  Secretary. anyhow  the  exchange  went :

STRAW : Politicians  have  to  be  strong  and  I  know  you're  weak

OWEN : You  didn't  think  so  at  the  time

STRAW : Yes  I  did

OWEN : I  don't  come  on  television  programmes  just  to  rubbish  other  politicians

STRAW : You  betrayed  the  Labour  party  and  I  can  never  forgive  you  for  that !

OWEN : The  Labour  party  betrayed  me

It  ran  for  just one  series.

755 Return To Eden

First  viewed :  30  June  1986

Here's  a  clean  break  and  the  start  of  one  of  the  densest  parts  of  this  blog. My  university  days came  to  a close  at  the  end  of  June  1986. I  had  the  offer  of  a  place  on  an  M.A.  course  at  Leeds  but  my  efforts  to  secure  funding  for  it  were  unsuccessful  and  deservedly  so - it  would  have  been  generous  to  call  my  application  letter  half-hearted. I  kept  the  option  open  as  long  as  possible  and  attended  a  three  day  training  course  for  Executive  members  of  the  Union  in  July  but  eventually  I  had  to  decline  the  offer  and  resign  my  post  as  Communications  Officer.

I  had  no  real  option  but  to  return  home  and  start  looking  for  work. I'd  not  prepared  for  this. I'd  had  one  desultory  careers  interview  at  Leeds  but  not  acted  on  any  of  the  advice  received. I  was  reliant  on  looking  through  the  newspapers  and  sending  applications  off  and  was  kept  to  the  task  by  my  mother who  was  old-school  Tory  in  her  attitude  to  unemployment  benefit  and  thought  it  scandalous  that  I  was  "on  the  dole".  I  didn't  have  a  moment's  peace  during  the  day  but  she  did  at  least  allow  me  to  watch  the  TV  in  an  evening.

On  the  first  Monday  back  home  Return  To  Eden  started. It  followed  an  Australian  mini-series  of  the  same  title  which  had  been  screened here  in  1984. I  didn't  see  that but  it  concerned  a  plain  heiress  Stephanie  Harper  ( Rebecca  Gilling )  whose  young  husband  Greg throws  her  to  a  crocodile aided  by  her  treacherous  best  friend  Jilly. Stephanie  survives  the  mauling  and  is  taken  by  a  bushman  to  a  brilliant  plastic  surgeon  Dan  Marshall  ( James  Smillie  )  who  turns her  into  a  supermodel  and  marries  her. Her  new  wealth  and  identity  enables  her  to  turn  the  tables  on  her  foes and  at  the  end  Greg  is  killed  ( but see  below )  and  Jilly  imprisoned.

The  mini-series  was  so  successful  that  for  the  follow-up  it  was  turned  into  a  22-part  glossy  soap opera  to  compete  with  the  American  giants. The  British  critics absolutely  eviscerated  it  , the  Daily  Telegraph  accusing  it  of  "plumbing  new  depths"   in  lowbrow  entertainment  but  I  think  they  missed  the  point. Return  To  Eden  was   trashy  but  knowingly  so  and  gloriously  entertaining. It  was  Dynasty  taken  a few  notches  further  with  each  plot  twist  more   ridiculously  over  the  top  than  the  one  before  and  dialogue  so  bad  that  each  line  was a  test  of  the  actor's  ability  to  keep  a  straight  face.

It  started  seven  years  on  with  Jilly's  release  from  prison  and  the  revelation  that  she  was  actually  Stephanie's  half-sister. The  original  actress  Wendy  Hughes  was  replaced  by  the  gorgeous  Austro-Italian  actress  Peta  Toppano  who  I  was  instantly  smitten  with  despite  the  fact  that  she  was  playing  an  insanely  jealous, scheming  superbitch. Stephanie  was  remarkably  slow  to  realise  that  the  revelation  of  their  sisterhood  had  made  Jilly  worse  not  better  and  fell  prey  to  her  alliance  with  business  rival  Jake  Sanders  ( Daniel  Abineri ) who  turned  out  to  be  Greg's  half-brother  seeking  revenge  on  both  of  them  ( no  explanation  of  why  Stephanie  hadn't  met him  before  of  course ). They  knock  Stephanie  off  her  perch  and  she  has to  come  back  once  more  - this  time  in  disguise  as  an  Arab  princess  -  in  order  to  wreak  her  revenge. That  was  the  main  plot  but  there  were  many  sub-plots involving  Stephanie's  children  as  diversions.

In  the  suitably  ludicrous  final  episode  Stephanie, having  lured  Jilly  into  a  ruinous  business  hoax  and  revealed  herself  , offers  to  put  her  entire fortune on  the  outcome  of  a  horse race , her's  against  Jake's.  enabling  all  the  cast to  gather   for  the  finale  including   Jilly's  unseen  caller  who  is  obviously  going  to   be  Greg  back  from  the  dead.  Stephanie wins  the  race  but  magnanimously  lets Jake  and  Jilly  attend  her  party. Jilly  is  now  pregnant  and  pretends  to  faint  but  pulls a  gun  on  Stephanie  when  the  trio  are  upstairs. Jake  intervenes  and gets  shot  in  the  struggle. He  then  has  an  extravagant  death  scene,  staggering  around  then  falling  down  the  stairs  in  front  of   the  party  guests, some  of  whom  are  clearly  amused, before  conking  out  with  a  blood-spattered  Stephanie, having  wrested  the  gun  from  Jilly   stood   at  the  top  of  the  stairs  with  it.  Jilly  then  appears  accusing  Stephanie  of  the  deed.

It  was  a  suitable  cliffhanger  for  a  second  season  that  was  never made, ratings  in  Australia  not  being  good  enough  to  justify  the  expense. The main  players  were  subsequently  re-hired  to  shoot  ten  more  minutes  to  be tacked  on  to repeat  showings  resolving  some  of  the  threads  though  not  all; the   return  of  Greg  storyline  was  left  hanging.  The  series  had  a  late  night  repeat  here  in  1990  and  has  since  been  shown  on  satellite  channels.

754 Naked Video

First  viewed : 2  June  1986

I  remember  seeing  this  at  the  "Cardboard  House ".  That  was  a  house in  Headingley  occupied  by  four  friends  of  mine  from  the  first   year  at  the  hall  of  residence.  I  had  wanted  to  go  with  them  but  it  wasn't  to  be ; now  I  lived  very  close  to  them  and  was  often  round  in  those  last  weeks.   The  "Cardboard  "  epithet  was  pejorative ; one  of  the  occupants , a  Geordie  guy  called  Andy,  had  acquired  the  nickname   "Cardboard  Man"  i.e. thin  and  "stiff"   ( the  ultimate  insult ) during  that  first  year , after  protesting  at  the  drunken  rampage  of  a  gang  of  morons when  everyone  else  was  keeping  their  heads  down , and  it  followed  him  into  the  shared  house .  

 On  Monday 2.6.86 . I  was  watching  World  Cup  Grandstand  there  and  when  it  finished  at  9pm  we  switched  over  to  The  Fall  and Rise  of  Reginald  Perrin.  Unfortunately  for  Naked  Video . it  was  the  classic episode  where  Jimmy  announces  his  secret  army  so the  show  which  followed  it  had  its  work  cut  out  to  keep  us  laughing.

We gave  Naked  Video  a  fair  chance  but  were  soon  picking  holes  in  it. Naked Video  derived  from  a  BBC  Scotland   radio  show  Naked  Radio  that  had  been  running  since  1981  with  an  emphasis  on  topical  satire. When  it  came  to  TV,  Gregor  Fisher  and  Elaine  C  Smith  crossed  over  but  were  balanced out  by  the  English  Helen  Lederer  and  Welsh  John  Sparkes  so  the  show  was  less  overtly  Scottish  in  nature.

It  came  across  as  a pale  imitation  of  Not The  Nine  O  Clock  News . I  remember  us  ( a  group   of  either  Alliance  or  soft  Tory  supporters )  protesting  at  how  many  of  the  sketches  had  an  anti-nuclear  theme.

I  should  mention  that  the  show did  launch  three  notable  comic  creations  in  Rab  C Nesbitt   and The Baldy  Man  ( both  Fisher  )  and  Welsh  nerd  Shadwell ( Sparkes  ).  It  ran  for  five  seasons,  finishing  in  1991.  

753 World Cup 1986

First  viewed  : 31  May  1986

While  not  being  terribly  enamoured  of  the  winners, I  think  I'd  have  to  nominate  this  as  my  favourite  of  all  the  World  Cups  I've  seen, the  main  reason  being  that  it  coincided  with  the  end  of  my  university  days, a  time  remembered  with  great  fondness. Many  of  the  games  were  watched  in  friends' houses  which  considerably  enhanced  the  experience.

The  tournament  was  originally  handed  to  Colombia  but  by  1982  it  was  clear  they  weren't  ready  and  it  went  to  Mexico  instead. After  the  Germany-Austria  stitch-up in  1982,  the  final games  in  the  group  stages  had  to  be  played  simultaneously  and  after  the  first  group  stage,  every  match  was  played  on  a  knockout  basis.

England  qualified  fairly  comfortably  and  got  a  pretty  easy  group  but  went  into  the  tournament  with  a  problem. Captain  Bryan  Robson  injured  his  shoulder  in  a warm-up  game. My  friend  Sean  put  it  succintly  "every  time  he  falls  over  his  arm  comes  off".  England's  first  game  was  against  Portugal  which  presented  me  with  a dilemma  as  my  first  exam  was  the  next  day. Eventually I made  a  deal  with  myself  that  I'd  just  watch  the  first  half  then  go  to  bed. Mercifully  I  missed  the  worst  of  it. An  inhibited  Robson  had  to  come  off  just  after  Portugal  scored  the  only  goal  of  the game  and  England  were  in  trouble .

The discussion  of  England's  difficulties  before  someone  else's  game  gave rise to  one  of  my  favourite  punditry  moments. Trevor  Francis  hadn't  been  selected  for  the  squad  but  was on  a  satellite  link  from  Spain  so  he  could  be  part  of  ITV's  World  Cup  team.  Brian  Moore  asked  the  panel  what  could  be  done  to  improve  England's  chances  and  Kevin  Keegan  took  the  opportunity  to  laud  his  ex-team  mate  at  Newcastle , Peter  Beardsley. He  went  into  a  long  promotion  of  Beardsley's  abilities  then  realised  they  hadn't  brought  Francis  in  for  a  while  and  suddenly  said "I  don't  know  what  you  think  Trev ?"

FRANCIS : ( taken  by  surprise )  Wha-oh. Are  you  asking  me  Kev ?

BRIAN  MOORE :  ( cutting  in )  Very  briefly  Trevor, the  teams  are  coming  out  !

FRANCIS : ( totally  deadpan ) Well  very  briefly  Brian , I've  never  seen  Beardsley  play

( Sounds  of  corpsing  in  the  studio  as  they  cut to  the  start  of  the  game )

I  saw  England's  next  game  against  the  mighty  Morocco  in  the  Student  Union  with  some  mates. Things  went  to  pieces  after  42  minutes  when  Robson's  arm   duly  fell  out  again  and  he'd  hardly  left  the  pitch  before  Ray  Wilkins  joined  him  in  the  dressing  room  for  throwing  the  ball  at  the  referee. England  held  on  for  a  0-0  draw  to  ever  louder  shouts  of  abuse  from  the  student  hordes.

That  meant  it  was  all  or  nothing  against  already-qualified  Poland. Robson  was  forced  to  bring  in  the  in-form  Everton  duo  of  Peter  Reid  and  Trevor  Steven  and  selected  Beardsley  instead  of  useless  Mark  Hateley, surely  one  of  England's  worst  ever  players. England  duly  saw  off  Poland  3-0 , a  hat-trick  turning  Gary  Lineker  into  a  superstar. England  then  beat  Paraguay  by  the  same  scoreline  with  Lineker  scoring  twice. I  don't  think  I  really  need  to  say  how  the  next  game  against  Argentina  panned  out.

ITV  definitely  had  the  best  team  of  pundits  with  Brian  Clough  regularly  locking  horns  with  the  outspoken  Mick  Channon  especially  when  the  latter  suggested  that  Germany deliberately  lost  their  fixture  against  Denmark  in  order  to  play  Morocco  in  the  next  round - "You'd  better  watch  what  you  say  young  man !"  Channon  was  also  noted  for  his  persistent  mispronunciation  of  "Lineker "  as  "Lin-acre". Rather  sadly,  it  turned  out  to  be  Channon's  swansong  as  a  pundit. He  had  just  been  given  a  free  transfer  by  Portsmouth  and , despite  rumours  that  he  was  on  his  way  to  Spotland  at  one  point, the World  Cup  proved  to  be  the  end  of  his   connection  with  football  as  he  built  up  a  successful  business  as  a  racehorse  trainer.  

Denmark  were  something  of  a  surprise  package  at  the  Finals. They  came  through  their  group  winning  all  three  games  including  a  6-1  demolition  of  a  Uruguay  team  whose  sole  aim  appeared  to  be the  maiming  of  their  opponents  and  former  Liverpool  target  Michael  Laudrup  looked  set  to  be  a  superstar. Unfortunately,  they  came  a  real  cropper  in  the  next  game  against  Spain  who  exposed  all  their  defensive  frailties  and  thrashed  them  5-1. I  remember  watching  that  one  in  someone's  loft-bedroom  and  trying  an  onion  bhaji  for  the  first  time.

Other memorable  games  were  Pat  Jennings's  swansong    for  Northern  Ireland  against  Brazil, Scotland  failing  to  beat  Uruguay  despite  their  opponents  picking  up  a  red  card  in  the  first  minute, Belgium  coming  good  at  the  right  time  to  beat  the  fancied  Soviets  4-3  and  France  edging  out  Brazil  on  penalties  after  Zico  had  missed  one  during  the  game  having  just  come  on.

The  last  games  were  played  after  I'd  left  university  and  I  watched  the Argies  beat  the  Germans  in  the  Final  back  at  home.  

752 Video Jukebox

First  viewed : 9  May  1986

This  was  excellent  , an  Omnibus  special  on  BBC  One  celebrating  the  art  of  the  pop  video  which  ran  through  the  night. It  was  billed  as  finishing  at  2am  but  actually  went  on  until  4am. That  allowed  it  to  be  comprehensive  with  interviews  with  all  the  major  players - Bowie, John  Landis, Madness, David  Byrne, Godley  and  Creme  etc. The  presenters,  oddly  enough,  were  John  Peel  and  his  producer  John  Walters  , neither  of  them  notable  champions  of  the  video  age  but  they  read  their  autocues  professionally  enough. It  really  was  an  enjoyable  night  by  the  telly.

751 Bread

First  viewed : 1  May  1986

And  to  make  it  a  hat-trick  of  crap  sitcoms, along  came  the  latest  effort  from  Carla  Lane.

I  know  this  series  was  very  popular  and  my  wife  was  a  fan  but  I  watched  the  first  episode and  decided  it  wasn't  for  me,  despite  the  charms  of  Caroline Millmoe  as  a  supporting  character.

Bread  gave  Carmel  McSharry  a  starring  role  as  Nellie  Boswell  the   Liverpudlian  Catholic  matriarch  to  whom  her  five  rather  charmless  children , including  the  always-annoying  Jonathan  Morris,, ultimately  deferred. He  was the only  one  who  had  a  steady  job; the  others  managed  to  put  the  titular  bread  on  the  table  by  various  dodgy  means.

"Bread"  for  money is  actually  a  Cockney  rhyming  slang  expression  and  Liverpudlians  apparently  had  an  ambivalent  attitude  towards  the  series ,many  feeling  it  fuelled  the  growing  stereotype  of  the  perma-unemployed  scrounging  Scouser.

Nonetheless , the  series  ran  for  seven  seasons  up  to  1991  and  allowed  Lane  to  indulge  her  idiosyncratic  solutions  to  animal  welfare. However,  its  demise  also  proved  the  end  of  her  reign  as  the  queen  of  comic  writing. Three  subsequent  efforts  in  the  nineties  ( Screaming, Luv  and  Searching )  were  critically  mauled  and  shortlived. She  died  last  year  aged  87.

750 Lame Ducks

First  viewed : May  1986

No  Place  Like  Home  mercifully  finished in  April  1986  but  the  Beeb  found  a  worthy  successor  for  its  Wednesday  night  slot with  a  repeat  of  this  comedy  series  which  I'd  been  fortunate  enough  to  miss  the  first  time  round  on  BBC 2. I  suppose  it  was  marginally  better  than  NPLH  but  only  because  Marcia  Warren  wasn't  in  it.

Lame  Ducks  starred  John  Duttine  as  Mr  Drake  a  man  who  opts  out  of  normal  life  after  losing  his  job  and  his  wife  after  a  car  accident. On  his  way,  he  picks  up  some  other  losers  including  Lorraine Chase  and  Tony   Millan  ( Tucker  from  Citizen  Smith )  as  a  postman   walking  a  giant  ball  around  the  world. Brian  Murphy  joined  them  as  an  incompetent  private  eye  hired  by  Drake's  wife. The  odd  bunch  find  an  unlikely  refuge  in  an  abandoned  railway  station.

Lame  Ducks'  main  failing  was simple  ; it  wasn't  funny  at  all. John  Duttine  was  ubiquitous  in  TV  drama  in  the   late  seventies  and  eighties  but  he  wasn't  a  comic  actor. Similarly,  the  series'  writer Peter  Hammond  was  better  known  for writing  for crime  and  science  fiction  series  and   hadn't  ventured  into  comedy  before. Chase's  Cockney  airhead  shtick  was  also  wearing  very  thin  by  now.

The  repeats  did  not  persuade  the  Beeb  to  commission  another  series.