667 The Montreux Golden Rose Pop Festival

First  viewed :  28  May  1984

This  was  a  big  pop  shindig  bringing  together  artists  to  lip-synch   their  recent  hits  at  the  Montreux  Casino  ( the  venue  immortalised  by  Deep  Purple's  Smoke  on  the  Water ).  With  Noel  Edmonds  as  host,  it  came  over  as  an  extended  edition  of  Top  of  the  Pops  broadcast   in  three  parts, the  first  on  Bank  Holiday  Monday.

Being  a  trans-European  broadcast  the   hits  featured  had  to  be  popular  across  the  continent  so there  was  no  Style  Council  or  Smiths   but  the  likes  of  Julien  Clerc, The  Dolly  Dots  and  Nino  De  Angelo  - none  of  them  worth  investigating - got  on  the  bill. The  biggest  act  there  were  Queen  who  got to  perform  an  extended  set  although  you  suspect  the  main  reason  they  accepted  the  invite  was  that  Freddie  only  lived  up  the  road  from  the  venue.

The  following  year's  festival  wasn't  televised,  probably  to  avoid  spoiling  the  build  up  to  Live  Aid  six  weeks  later  although  Simon  Bates   reported  from  it  on  his  morning  show  on  Radio  One.

The  1986  one  was  relegated  to  BBC  Two  and  notable  only  for  Frankie  Goes  To  Hollywood  giving  a  first  performance  of  their  crap  new  single  "Rage  Hard "  and  then  mock-trashing  the  set  to  try  and  divert  the  attention  of  the  underwhelmed  audience.

I'm  not  sure  I  bothered  tuning  in  to  the  last  one  in  1987. broadcast  over  two  nights  on  BBC  One. In  hindsight,  it  has  a  tragic  significance  as  featuring  the  last  stage  performance  by  Mel  and  Kim. Mel  Appleby  collapsed  in  a  restaurant  later  that  evening  and  left   Montreux  in  a  wheelchair , never  to  get  on  stage  again.

666 The Smiths

First  viewed  : 8  May  1984

Spooky  numbering  for  this  post  as  the  programme  began  with  a  song  called  "Handsome  Devil".

I  distinctly  remember  watching  this  at  home  but   initially   was  wondering  what  I  was  doing  there  during  term  time. Then  it  clicked  that  the  date  was  the  second  Tuesday  in  the  month  and  therefore  I  was  back  home  for  a  meeting  of   the   Littleborough  Civic  Trust  committee. I  had  sat  on  it  since  1981  ( initially  co-opted  as  a  junior  non-voting  member  )  and  not  only  retained  my  seat  but  at  the  1983  AGM  took  on  the  role  of  editing  its  quarterly  newsletter   less  than  a  year  before  I  was  due  to  go  to  university. Looking  back  now , twenty  years  after finally  relinquishing  my  committee  seat  and  with  a  significant  proportion  of  that  committee  no  longer  with  us,  it  seems  colossally  stupid  to  have  maintained  that  level  of  commitment   throughout  my  university  days   and  perhaps  one  or  two  of  the  other  members  should  have  expressed  something  more  than  slight  bafflement  at  my  priorities.

Anyway  back  to  The  Smiths,  a  recording  by  the  Whistle  Test  crew  of   a  concert  by  the  group  at  Derby's  Assembly  Rooms  venue  from  December  1983. At  the  time  the  group  were  getting  a  bit   of  flak  for  short  sets  but  this  meant  it  filled  the  slot  between  7pm  and  the  time  I  had  to  set  off  for  the  meeting  at  8pm  perfectly. My  mum  actually  watched  it  with  me  because,  having  seen  them  on  Top  of  the  Pops  with  the  gladioli,  she  thought  they  were  "funny". I  hadn't  got  fully  into  them  at  this  point  and  sadly  didn't  go  to  see  them  when  they  played  Leeds  in  February  but  this  was  definitely  a  staging  post  in  becoming  a  fan.

They  played  most  of  the  debut  album,  although  significantly  not  "Suffer  Little  Children"  and  one  or  two  other  tracks  that  were  mopped  up  by  Hatful  of  Hollow. Obviously  Johnny  Marr  couldn't  replicate  the  multi-layered  guitar  sounds  on  record  having  only  one  pair  of  hands  so  the  sound  was  leaner  with  Andy  Rourke's  bass  more  prominent. The  highlight  was  undoubtedly  the  encore  of  "You've  Got  Everything  Now"  with  a  stage  invasion - including  a  Robert  Smith  clone  who  seemed  to  have  turned  up  at  the  wrong  concert -  which  frequently  pulled  the  mike  away  from  Morrissey's  lips  as  well  as  divesting  him  of  most  of  his  shirt. It's  a  terrific  document  of  a  great  band  on  the  way  up. 

665 Casablanca

First  viewed : 18  April  1984

I  wouldn't  have  recalled  this  without  the  help  of  the  listings. This  US  series  followed  straight  after  The  Master  of  Ballantrae  finished  at  11.30  pm  and  I  watched  a  few  minutes  of  it  before  going  to  bed.  The  series  was  a  sort  of  prequel  to  the  film  classic  with  David  Soul  playing  Rick  Blaine,  the  Humphrey  Bogart  character.

The  time  slot  will  give  you  an  idea  of  how  successful  it  was. Only  5  episodes  were  made  and  in  America  the  last  two  of  those  were  broadcast  as  random  space-fillers  months  after  the  opening  trio. It  makes  you  wonder  why  ITV  bothered  to  buy  it  at  all.

All  I  can  remember  is  David  Soul  wandering  around  Morocco  in  a  white  suit  looking  more  like  Gary  Numan  than  Bogey.  As  an  interesting  little  footnote  to  that, Soul  popped  up   a  decade  and  a  half  later  in  the  1997  UK  General  election  campaign, going  on  the  stump  to  support  his  mate  Martin  Bell  in  his  successful  effort  to  unseat  sleazy  Tory  Neil  Hamilton  at  Tatton. Bell's  trademark  was  a  white  suit.

664 The Master of Ballantrae

First  viewed : 17  April  1984

I  only  caught  the  tail  end  of  this  adaptation  of  the  Robert  Louis  Stevenson  adventure  yarn  and, not  knowing  the  source  novel  , I  was  intrigued  enough  to  wish  I'd  seen  it  from  the  beginning. The  mini-series  was  a  joint  Anglo- American  venture  shown  over  two  nights  during  the  Easter  holidays.

The  story  concerned  two  brothers  whose  feuding  begins  during  the  Jacobite  rebellion  when  the  family  decides  to  hedge  its  bets by  having  one  support  the  government, the  other  the  rebels. James  the  eldest  decides  to  join  the  more  romantic Jacobites  cause but  he  is  reported  dead  after  Culloden and  younger  brother  Henry inherits  both  the  estate  and  James's  girl. After  adventuring  overseas, James  returns  and  is   more  than  a  little  peeved  at  the  situation.

I'd  love  to  know  what  viewers  north  of  the  Border  thought  about  the  casting. John  Gielgud played  the  father  ( and  won  an  Emmy  for  it ). Michael  York  played  James  and  Richard  "John-Boy "  Thomas  played  Henry. Finola  Hughes  was  the  girl. Not  too  much  tartan  among  that  lot  is  there ? Also  in  the  cast  were  Ian  Richardson, Timothy  Dalton  and  Brian  Blessed  in  his  usual  understated  form  as  a  smuggling  captain.

As  I  say I enjoyed  the  part  I  saw. It  is  currently  on  Youtube  but  as  a  transfer  from  VHS, the  quality's  not  that  great.

663 Jeopardy !

First  viewed : April  1984

When  we  fret  over  American  cultural  imperialism  it's  a  comforter  to  remember  that  this  quiz  show, a  TV  institution  over  there, has  never  really  taken  off  here  despite  three  attempts.

The  first, and  the  only  one  I  ever  saw,  was   on  Channel  4  after  Countdown , hosted  by  ex- New  Faces  host  Derek  Hobson   and  a  milestone  on  his  personal  road  to  post-fame  obscurity. The  point  of  Jeopardy !  was  that  you  were  given  an  answer  and  then  had  to  construct  an  appropriate  question  which  fit.

I  thought  it  was  a  pretty  stupid  format  and  it  looked  like  the  UK  contestants  thought  so  too  as  they  were  constantly  sidestepping  the  question  framing  with  Hobson, his  patience  clearly  fraying , having  to  snappily  remind  them  of  the  requirement. A  typical  exchange  would  go  :

CLUE : Red , white  and  blue
CONTESTANT : The  colours  of  the  Union  Jack
HOBSON : What  are   the  colours  of  the  Union  Jack  !!

It  made  for  very  uncomfortable  viewing  and  it's  not  surprising  it  was  yanked  after  two  seasons  in  June  1984.

Still  it  sailed  on  in  the  US  regardless  so  ITV  tried  again  in  1990  with  hosts  Chris Donat  and  then  Steve  Jones. This  time  it  lasted  four  seasons  though  it  passed  me  by  entirely. Two  years  after  the  ITV  show  ended  Sky  3,  did  their own  version  hosted  by  Paul  Ross  thus  providing  another  compelling  reason  not  to  watch  it.

662 Countdown

First  viewed : Uncertain

I  don't  know  when  my  mum  first  introduced  me  to  Channel  4's  tea  time  perennial  but  the  programme  that  followed  it  around  this  time  wasn't  on  for  that  long  and  I  remember  seeing  that  so  the  Easter  hols  1984  seem  a  good  bet.

Countdown  was  famously  the  first  programme  on  Channel  Four   ( though  it  was  originally  trialled  by  Yorkshire  TV  as  Calendar  Countdown )   back  in  1982  and  has  remained  inviolate  in  its    teatime slot  ever  since. Two  contestants  try  to  make  words  from  randomly  selected  letters  or  get  to  a  randomly  generated  number  by  performing  mathematical  operations  on randomly  selected  numbers.  The  winner  gets  to  come  back  the  next  day  and  so  on  up  to  8  times.  A  reasonably  erudite  celebrity  sits  in  "Dictionary  Corner"  with  a  nice  academic  girl  ( Susie  Dent  has been  holding  this  position  since  1992 )  to  try  and  beat  the  contestants ( though  there's  no  consequence  if  they  do ) and  provide  a  little  commentary.  I've  caught  it  now  and  then  over  the  years  but  it's  never  been  appointment  TV  for  me ( perhaps  because  my  mum  was  significantly  better  at  the  word  games  than  me ).

The  hosts  have  changed  in  recent  years  but  the  classic  line  up  will  always  be  Yorkshire  TV  journalist  Richard  Whiteley - previously  most  famous  for  having  his  finger  gnarled  by  a  ferret - and  supposed  maths  wizard  Carol  Vorderman. They  helmed  the  show  until  Whiteley's  sudden  death  in  2005 - I'll  just  pause  for  breath  at  the  realisation  that  happened  12  years  ago. Des  Lynam  - at  something  of  a  loose  end  since  the  Beeb  had  pinched  back  the  rights  to  Premiership  highlights - was  his  unlikely  replacement  but  he  lasted  a  year  until  the  travelling  to  Leeds  for  filming  got  too  much  for  him. Then  it  was  Des  O 'Connor  for  a  couple  of  years  and  when  he  left  in  2008  Vorderman  also  decided  to  cut  the  knot. I  used  to  like  her  but  years  of  red  carpet  hogging ,boob  jobs  and   pro-Tory  pronouncements  have  made  me  detest  her.

The  last  time  I  watched  it , I  loved  her  replacement  Rachel  Reilly,  but  I  had  no  idea  who  the  host  was , some  droll , grey-haired  old  guy. I  understand  now  that  he's  something  to  do  with  The  Apprentice  which  explains  my  ignorance.

I  remember  my  friend  and  fellow  Dale  fan   Mark  when  he  started  out  in  teaching  maths telling  me  that  he'd  asked  a  class  if  they  could  name  any  famous  mathematicians   and  someone  volunteered  "Carol   Vorderman". He  puffily  replied  that  he  was  unaware  of  any  theorems  that   she  had  formulated. However,  that  didn't  stop  him appearing  on  the  programme  himself   in  February  1997. He  held  his  own  but  couldn't  unseat  the  incumbent  champion. Unfortunately  I  couldn't  find  a  picture  from  that  particular  episode.

661 The Laughter Show

First  viewed  ;  Spring  1984

While  ITV  had  Spitting  Image,  BBC1  had  The  Laughter  Show.  Yes, quite. The  Laughter Show  was  a  starring  vehicle  for  comedy  duo  Dustin  Gee  and  Les  Dennis  who  had  honed  their  act  on  Russ  Abbot's  Madhouse  on  ITV. The  show  mixed  sketches, impressions  and  variety  guests.

They  were  an  unlikely  duo . Gee  was  more  than  a  decade older  than  Dennis   and  a  popular cabaret  act  for  two  decades. Dennis  had  won  New  Faces  in  1974   bur  was  soon  eclipsed  by  Jim  Davidson  and  had  been  toiling  some  way  down  the  bill  on  variety  shows  ever  since. Their  signature   act  was  doing  Vera  Duckworth  ( Gee)  and  Mavis  Riley  ( Dennis ) and  although  it  has  to  be  said  that  Liz  Dawn's  limited  range  made  Vera  an  easy  mark, it  was  very  obvious  Gee  was  more  accomplished  than  his  partner. It's  still  impossible  to  sit  still  while  watching  Dennis  do  Mavis.  If  Gee's  private  life  had  been  better  known,  there  would  have  been  press  speculation  that  blonde  pretty  boy  Dennis  ( actually  married  and  straight )  wasn't  in  the  act  for  his  talent.

Around  the  same  time  the  show  first  aired,  the  pair  were  involved  in  one  of  the  most  macabre  examples  of  "the  show  must  go  on"  in  the  history  of  light  entertainment. The  duo  were  booked  to  appear  on  the  ITV  variety  show  Live  from  Her Majesty's   just  after  Tommy  Cooper  ( not  the  greatest  of  slots ). Cooper's  slot  ended  prematurely  when  he  collapsed  on  stage  and  lay  half  in  and  half  out  of  the  curtains. The  duo  went  on  and  did  their  act  with  Cooper's  lower  legs  between  them  while  attempts  were  made  to  revive  the  dying  comedian  in  the  limited  space  behind  the  curtains.

In  a further  macabre  twist , less  than  two  years  later, Gee  himself  suffered  a  heart  attack    during  a  pantomime  performance .In  his  case  he  managed  to  stagger  off  and  died  two  days  later  in  hospital aged  43 . The  third  series  of  The  Laughter  Show  had  already  been  filmed  and  after  a  short  break, Gee's  family  encouraged  the  BBC  to  air  it. Dennis  continued  as  the  sole  host  until  1991